Keeping Up Good Neighbors
by Red Witch
Summary: Here's a first! A Keeping Up AppearancesGood Neighbors crossover! I wanted to see what would happen if I mixed these two shows together. It's a bit strange, but fun!


****

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this insane idea for a crossover. What if Hyacinth lived on the same street as the Goods and the Leadbetters from Good Neighbors? For those of you not familiar with that show, the Goods are a happy go lucky couple that decide to escape from the rat race and turn their home into a farm. The Leadbetters are their social climbing but good-hearted friends. Yes it's silly but it's fun. It's just a fic written by an insane American for a laugh folks, don't take it too seriously. It's a bizarre experiment thought up by a deranged mind.

**Keeping Up Good Neighbors**

Hyacinth was not happy.

In the course of a few short months, her perfect world had been turned upside down. Not to mention her property values (she was convinced of this.). When the Goods had first moved in next door they were a lovely couple. They kept their garden neat and tidy even if the husband was a bit odd and made Onslow look ambitious. But they were still cheerful and pleasant. She had even invited them to a few of her candlelight suppers. 

Then they decided to turn their house into of all things, a farm. An actual farm complete with chickens, pigs, a goat and a cow! Hyacinth almost had a heart attack when she looked out the window of her stately home and saw Tom destroying their impeccable lawn to plant rows of cabbages and leeks. As time went by the situation grew worse, as more and more animals were brought in and the lovely back garden was turned into a field of mud. By the end of six months the Good's house made her brother in law's home look like Buckingham Palace.

They had this weird idea on Tom Good's 40th birthday about becoming self-sufficient. Which meant that they had given up completely on regular money and started bartering for their things like it was the Middle Ages. Hyacinth blamed Barbara Good for this lax in conformity. It was her duty as a wife to stand by her husband in a midlife crisis, but it was also her duty to put her foot down and keep her husband from acting like an irresponsible lunatic. 

Oh Hyacinth had tried to stop them. She had called meeting after meeting of the residents of the neighborhood. But for some reason most of them failed to come to the majority of the meetings. She had tried to find a legal loophole to force them to cease and desist, but that didn't work either. 

At first she had an ally in their other neighbor, Margo Leadbetter. But of course this led to a clash of egos. She had never met a woman who was so obsessed with perfection as she was in all her life. Never had she met a woman who upheld the same rigorous standards of how a true British housewife should be. So naturally they had been rivals for years. As it was expected, the alliance did not last long. Margo decided to go to the side of the Goods. In Margo's own words, "If I have to choose between the pigs and your pig headedness I will choose the animals. They seem far more sensible than you!" 

Of course Elizabeth her other neighbor was no help at all. She kept dropping teacups during the entire emergency residents meeting Hyacinth called in order to stop this nonsense. In the end the Goods won, though by what miracle Hyacinth knew not.

So now she was stuck next door to a pair of lunatics on one side of the house, a nervous teacup dropper on the other and to top it all had a major rival another house down! This was how the street looked:

The Leadbetters---The Goods---The Buckets (Bouquets)---Elizabeth and Emmett

"This is intolerable!" She fumed as she came in from the garden one particular day. "I will not stand for it Richard! No I won't!"

"Oh what happened with the Goods now?" Richard sighed. 

"How did you know it was the Goods?" Hyacinth asked.

"Well that's all it's been about for the past few months," Richard told her.

"Richard I am not the sort of person who constantly complains about her neighbors!" Hyacinth bristled. "But since you mentioned it if those pigs ever put one hoof on my property again we are going to have enough pork chops for a month!" 

"Oh dear," Richard sighed. "Porky and Perky got out again did they? How much damage do they do this time?" 

"Minimal thank goodness," She huffed and started cleaning, a thing she often did when she was irritated. The house hadn't seen a speck of dust since Margaret Thatcher began her term as Prime Minister. "Fortunately those animals have learned to realize that I am not a woman to be trifled with."

"Especially since the time you chased them around the garden with a croquet mallet yelling for me to get you a packet of Shake n' Bake," Richard said.

"I was under duress!" She snapped. "Can you blame me? Living next to Noah's ark day in and day out would get on anyone's nerves!" 

"Well Tom and Barbara seem to be managing quite well. In fact they have to live with those animals and they're quite cheerful about it." 

"Only because they have no grasp on reality whatsoever," Hyacinth snapped. "They don't even have any money! They gave up on money on purpose! On purpose! Can you imagine that?" 

"I dunno," Richard thought. "I kind of admire them in a way. Getting out of the rat race. Living your dream without worrying what other people think."

"Exactly! What kind of life is that?" Hyacinth huffed.

"Kind of reminds me of your Onslow in a way," Richard said.

"Yes only he has to work at being a slob. For Onslow being disorganized and disheveled comes naturally," Hyacinth "It's one thing if you're a natural slob. It's in the breeding, they can't help it. But if one has to work at it…" She shuddered. 

"Well try to be civil tonight," Richard said. "We are going to the Leadbetters tonight for your Music Society for dinner. And they are good friends with the Goods so that they'd probably be there as well. Now promise me you will behave."

"Richard I am always on my best behavior unlike some people I can mention."

"And don't start with Margo tonight please," Richard sighed. "I'd like to get through one dinner with the Leadbetters without a serious injury. Last time I nearly had a concussion when you accidentally hit me with your purse!" 

"There is only one thing worse than those nature nuts next door," Hyacinth huffed. "It's that Leadbetter woman. I cannot abide that awful Leadbetter woman!" 

************************************************************************

"I cannot abide that awful Bucket woman," Margo huffed. "Granted I can understand the desire for a woman to better herself and rise above her social status, but she takes things too far! Bouquet indeed. I mean Leadbetter may not be the most glamorous name in the world but you don't hear me going around calling myself Le Better!" She gave the name a fake French accent. "Bucket is a fine, decent British name. If we British wanted to keep French names we'd have kept the entire country rather than letting it go."

"Yes dear," Jerry rolled his eyes desperately wishing he had some sherry right about now. 

"Never met such a social climbing humorless woman, who takes things far to seriously," She nodded as she brushed her hair.

"I seem to bump into one every day," Jerry muttered under his breath.

"What did you say?" Margo looked at her husband.

"I said I think it might rain today," Jerry said.

"Don't mumble Jerry," Margo scolded him as if he were a small child. "And don't change the subject. Although I admit in case of the Bucket woman the less said the better. It's because of her attendance of the Music Society has dropped considerably. People just don't want to attend meetings any more. That woman can be so intimidating! Take that poor dear Elizabeth. Living next door to her day in and day out, no wonder her poor nerves are a wreck! Remind me to have her over for coffee sometime Jerry. The woman needs a break from such a dominating personality."

"And you think that you will be able to help her with that?" Jerry said. 

"Jerry I don't think you realize how lucky you are to be married to a woman who does not treat you like a slave!" Margo huffed. "Jerry don't forget that it's your turn to pay for the Music Society's dinner tonight." She left the room to tidy up.

"Yes I have no idea how poor Richard copes," Jerry muttered sarcastically. "I just love Music Society Evenings."

************************************************************************

"I hate Music Society Evenings," Emmett moaned.

"It's only for a few hours then it will be all over," Elizabeth told him. 

"That's what they told the poor blokes who were waiting for their turn for the guillotine," Emmett moaned. 

"Well brace yourself because you have to mediate between Hyacinth and Mrs.Leadbetter on who's going to get the lead for whatever show you decide to put on this year."

"Oh ye gods," Emmett rolled his eyes. "Both Hyacinth and Margo in the same room. I'll never survive this night. It will be like putting Godzilla and King Kong in the same city. And I'm Tokyo just waiting to be smashed to bits!" He grabbed a bottle of gin and poured himself a glass. 

"And I will be there as well," Elizabeth blinked with realization. "Serving coffee. Oh no…Better pour me one as well."

************************************************************************

Meanwhile at the Good house Barbara was patching up some of the clothes. Tom walked in. "How's it going wench?" Tom kissed her affectionately. 

"Quite fine slavedriver," She kissed him back. "So how's it going out there?" 

"Well the chickens aren't laying enough eggs," Tom said. "We're running low on straw again, I think the mice have come back, the cow's milk has dwindled and I think that our cabbage plants have got root rot."

"In other words same old same old," Barbara smiled. 

"Pretty much," He nodded. "So what have you been doing?"

"Fixing up the clothes." She showed off her handiwork. "See?"

"Ah good egg," Tom smiled. "We will be the best dressed non-conformists on the block! Oh by the way, the pigs got out again."

"Oh no, that's the third time this month!" Barbara exclaimed. "Tell me they didn't go into Margo's yard again."

"Nope, Hyacinth's." 

"Oh no! That's awful!"

"Don't worry I got them out before they got too traumatized." Tom told her. "I don't know what the fascination our animals have with her. The very qualities she has that repels humans attracts animals. Maybe it's her voice. Maybe when she sings she hits notes only they can hear."

"Oh stop it Tom," Barbara chided. "I know Hyacinth may have her faults but deep down she really is very kind hearted. I mean she may go on about our animals but she'd never really hurt them. Remember when you almost sold one of the pigs to the butchers? You would have thought you were going to slaughter your first born."

"Elizabeth was our first born," Tom said. "Well the first pig born on the farm. And personally I suspect that she didn't want her killed because she shared the same name as the queen."

"Well there is that," Barbara admitted. "But she still does have a good heart. She means well. She just has a very…forceful way of doing things. Like Margo."

"Huh," Tom chuckled to himself. "You know I have a theory. You've heard of reincarnation right?"

"Yes." 

"Well I think that in a previous lifetime both Hyacinth and Margo were both samurai warriors. No wait, hear me out. Two indomitable wills clashing again and again through the mists of time. Forever locked in mortal combat."

"I think you've been hanging around the rutabaga too long," Barbara giggled. "But I do admit it is an apt description." 

"I don't think I will ever understand those two and their obsession with status," Tom said. "Those two make even the simplest things into a major competition. Remember the time those two were at the market together? Both were going to have a party on the same night. They kept looking for the most expensive items to have at their dinner. By the time they reached the check out they both had enough food to feed the entire continent of Africa. And it cost more than the entire budget for the United Nations for five years!" 

"Well I'm glad we decided to join Margo's Music Society," Barbara said. "Not only does it help Margo out but it gives us something new to do at night. Can't exactly farm by moonlight you know."

"Yes I'm looking forward to it," Tom said.

"You want to go?" Barbara was surprised.

"Why not?" Tom asked. "It will be the best evening's entertainment we've had since we sold the television!" 

That afternoon found Richard puttering in the garden, desperately searching for a weed to keep him outside the house just a little bit longer. Tom peeked over the fence. 

"Afternoon Richard," Tom said cheerfully. "Sorry about the pigs this morning."

"Well at least no real damage was done," Richard stopped working to chat over the fence. 

"Well here is something for your trouble," Tom bent down and picked something up. "A bit of restitution for you."

"Well that really isn't necessary," Richard told him. 

"No, no. A grievous wrong has been committed and I wish to set it right!" Tom told him. "Here you are, a dozen eggs fresh from the farm!" 

Well that's very nice of you," Richard smiled. Tom handed him over one egg. "Where's rest of them."

"Oh our chicken's are going through a bit of a dry spell," Tom told him. "You'll get the rest of them over the next eleven days. Think of it as a payment plan."

"Or like the egg of the day," Richard said amused. "So are you and Barbara really going to come tonight?"

"Oh yes," Tom said. "Give us something new to do at night. Besides, music is wonderful for the plants. Studies have shown that plants grow better with music. We could practice our numbers and increase our crops at the same time. Very productive. You should try it sometime."

"Actually I find myself talking to plants quite a lot these days now that I've taken early retirement," Richard told him. "At least they don't talk back."

"BAHHH!"

"Speaking of talking back," Tom muttered. "Down Geraldine!" He told the goat who had gotten out of her pen and lightly butted against him. "Oh you cheeky girl!" 

"Geraldine acting up again I see?" Richard asked amused. 

"I think she's in heat," Tom muttered. "Either that or she's extremely annoyed with me. Sometimes I think she's half rhinoceros the way she's always butting…OW!" He glared at her. "One day you will go to far you know! And then it's off to the knackers for you."

"Oh she's not so bad," Richard said. "I can think of more irritating…"

"Richard!" Hyacinth called out as she walked outside.

"Hello Mrs. B!" Tom waved cheerfully. 

"You know it's Bouquet," Hyacinth sighed. "Richard I need your help in choosing an outfit for the Music Society meeting and banquet tonight."

"Banquet?" Tom looked puzzled. "It's only gonna be Chinese takeaway."

"Yes Tom I know that," She smiled a patronizing smile." But one must always dress appropriately no matter what the occasion." 

"True, I mean I myself always wear my blue jacket instead of my green when I'm gardening. It clashes with the lettuce. Well if you excuse me I have a bouquet of manure I need to spread on my crops," Tom smiled. "Cheerio!" 

"Riff raff," Hyacinth muttered under her breath. 

"BAAHHHH" Geraldine bleated.

"Same to you!" Hyacinth snapped at the goat. 

************************************************************************

"Tom," Barbara was finishing tidying up. "Are you ready to go?"

"Ready," Tom came in. He was wearing an unusual pair of trousers. One leg was orange and the rest was blue. "Ta Da!" 

"Very snazzy," Barbara smiled. "Don't you think it's a little flashy?"

"What do you mean?" Tom paraded around like a model on a catwalk. "It's the very latest style as seen on the cover of Pigbreeder's Gazette!" 

"Well I'll say one thing for you Tom you sure know how to make an entrance in that thing. What was that?"

It was the sound of a car backfiring. "I know that sound anywhere!" Barbara went to the door and opened it."

"Onslow!" Barbara cried out in surprise. "Daisy! What are you doing in the neighborhood?" 

"We promised Father we'd get him some fresh leeks," Daisy told him. 

"Well come on in," She opened the door. "Tom! Customers!" 

"Hello, hello gov'ner," Tom laughed when he saw his good friends. "Can I interest you in some tin, copper! The finest silk from China?"

"Just a couple of leeks will do," Onslow shook his hand. "And a bottle of pea-pod wine. I've got the cash," He held up a six pack of beer and a couple of bags of chips.

"And here are my wares," Tom handed him some leeks and took the beer. Then he handed him the wine. "There you are, last Tuesday. A very good week that was."

"There's something to be said for the barter system," Onslow nodded. "I like your pants by the way."

"Big compliment from someone who never bothers to put a shirt on," Daisy shook her head.

"It's hard being a fashion plate isn't it Tom?" Onslow smiled. "What's the occasion?"

"Music Society," Barbara explained. "Tom's finally broken down and decided to help Margo out. Do you two want to come? Margo can use all the help she can get."

"Hyacinth will be there won't she?" Daisy looked nervous. 

"We should go anyway," Onslow shrugged. "Might be a bit of a laugh. Besides, It will do us both good to take in some culture."

"Are you serious?" Daisy asked. "Usually your idea of culture is watching Open University! You're not exactly the ambitious type!"

" I am ambitious in my own way. I just have my own priorities that's all. For example, I've always admired Tom and Barbara for what they are doing," Onslow said. "I've often thought about putting my shoulder to the grindstone. Tilling the soil. That sort of thing."

"That's all he's ever done," Daisy said. "He's too bone idle to do anything else. The only thing we've ever grown was weeds. And even they die off on us."

"I keep telling you Daisy it's the soil," Onslow said. "It's not able to support vegetables. It's not rich enough for growing things."

"We've got a bumper crop of beer cans," Daisy told him. 

************************************************************************

"Now Richard," Hyacinth said, brushing off his jacket. "I hope when they offer me the lead in the play you won't be too jealous."

"What makes you so sure they will?" Richard asked.

"Well who else would they give it to?" Hyacinth asked him as if he was a three-year-old. 

"Margo won't like that," Richard shook his head.

"You're right," Hyacinth frowned. "With that Leadbetter woman there I can't take any chances. Now you know how modest I am, but with that woman I feel I have no choice but to nominate myself. Before she nominates herself."

"So it's merely fighting fire with fire," Richard rolled his eyes. 

"Exactly," Hyacinth told him. "I am afraid I must buckle up and overcome my natural shyness."

"That would be an achievement," Richard sighed under his breath.

************************************************************************

Margo was speaking on the phone. "Yes, Yes I understand. It's perfectly all right. Yes good bye. Hope to see you soon." She put down the phone. "Lying little twit." She muttered. 

"Another cancellation?" Jerry asked as he entered the room. 

"Yes."

"What was the excuse this time?" Jerry asked. "Funeral?"

"Of a sort," Margo said. "Mrs. Heppleworth's niece's daughter's hamster died."

Jerry laughed. "Well they are getting more inventive, now that all the grandmothers, aunts and uncles have been killed off." 

"This never would have happened if that woman was not allowed into the Society," Margo sighed. "It's going to be another no show evening again."

"Well Tom and Barbara will be here and so will Elizabeth and Emmett," Jerry hugged her shoulders. "And Richard. Buck up old girl!" 

"You're right Jerry," Margo nodded. The doorbell rang. "Well, here goes." 

"Hello Richard," Jerry brightened as he saw his good friend. They gave each other a handshake and a nod of respect. Like two old soldiers from the battle. "Hyacinth! Come in! Come in! Fancy a sherry?"

"Yes please," Richard sighed. 

"Hyacinth, Richard," Margo smiled at them. "So glad to see you." In truth she was glaring at Hyacinth as if she was her mortal enemy.

"Likewise," Hyacinth returned the gaze. The door rang again. It was Emmett and Elizabeth. 

"Good to see you," Jerry smiled. The door rang again. There was Tom and Barbara with Daisy and Onslow. "Look who's here darling!"

"Oh goody," Margo smirked, enjoying Hyacinth's discomfort. "It's your sister and your charming brother in law."

"Wonderful," Hyacinth groaned. "But I'm sure that Daisy and Onslow wouldn't find our little music society interesting."

"Oh I'm sure they'd love to stay!" Margo grinned. "Come on in!" Hyacinth gave her a glare that could kill.

"How about a drink?" Jerry offered some to Emmett.

"Good idea," Emmett gulped one down. 

"Well since none of the other members are going to come I suggest we get started," Margo spoke. "Why don't we start by deciding what musical we're going to put on?"

"Perhaps the Phantom of the Opera?" Hyacinth suggested.

"Good idea," Emmett whispered to Elizabeth. "I could strangle her onstage and get a standing ovation." Elizabeth responded to this by kicking Emmett. 

"Well I've always been partial to Cats," Barbara said. "Why not do that one?"

"Yeah it's a role I was born to play," Tom joked. "I'll be a Tom cat. Get it?"

"Yes very amusing," Margo sighed. 

"I don't think Cats would be an appropriate musical," Hyacinth stiffened.

"Neither do I," Margo agreed.

"I dunno," Onslow sipped his beer. "I think it's kind of fitting if the two of you are going to be in it."

That was when Daisy hit him on the head, causing him to spill some of his beer.

"Hey!" he protested. "That's a waste of good beer that is!" 

"What's wrong with Cats?" Barbara asked. "I think it would be a lovely musical."

"It don't think that prancing around in tights with fur all over the place meowing and scratching each other like alley cats is quite what we had in mind," Hyacinth said.

"It would be like Sweet Charity all over again," Margo said. "Only instead of dance hall costumes there would be fur." 

"Oh come on," Tom said. "How can you compare Cats to Sweet Charity? That's like comparing apples and oranges. Um…tea and coffee…"

"Back alleys and dance halls," Margo pointed out. "Both very unsavory places."

"Here here," Hyacinth nodded. "I agree." 

"Hold the presses both Margo and Hyacinth agree on something!" Onslow said. 

"I did like the idea of Phantom of the Opera," Margo ignored him. "But who could we get to play Christine?"

"Well I should be happy to play the role," Hyacinth said.

"I thought you would," Margo frowned.

"Christine?" Tom asked. "But Christine is a young innocent girl with an incredible voice."

"You are so right," Hyacinth said not even noticing the meaning of Tom's words. "I am perfect for the role as you so pointed out."

"More like Carlotta," Margo told her. "The aging talentless has been."

"What?" Hyacinth's eyes glared daggers at Margo. 

"Oh god," Emmett sank lower into his chair. 

"Here we go," Onslow looked amused. "And there's the bell!"

"You heard me," Margo glowered at her. "You have less talent than one of Tom's chickens!" 

"Hey keep our birds out of this," Barbara spoke up. 

"Here here," Tom agreed. 

"Well listen to Miss Piggy over here," Hyacinth snapped. "You stage hog!"

"You take that back!" Margo snarled.

"Make me!" Hyacinth bristled. "Emmett tell her to keep quiet!"

"Emmett tell her to keep her large wide mouth shut!" Margo snapped.

"Jerry got any more wine?" Emmett moaned. 

"I think it's time to bring out my secret peacekeeping weapon," Tom brought out his bottle of homemade pea pod wine.

"You better pour that out while the house is still standing!" Richard told him.  
"Elizabeth you tell this stuck up busybody that I am the rightful star of this production!" Margo said glaring at Margo. 

"Elizabeth!" Hyacinth shouted. Elizabeth dropped her glass and stained the floor. 

"Oh Margo I'm so sorry!" Elizabeth sobbed.

"Elizabeth don't worry it's not your fault," Hyacinth told her. "It's not easy if you have unsteady nerves. Especially if you're drinking inferior sherry!"

"Now wait just one moment," Margo snarled. "Her nerves were shattered by your high pitched squealing you call a voice! And as for the sherry…"

"Never mind the sherry," Barbara came between them. "There's other stuff to drink."

"Here have some of my pea-pod wine," Tom poured glasses.

"Why not," Hyacinth took a glass. She took a sip and gasped. "Quite an impertinent little wine isn't it? Even if it is local." 

"And it doesn't make you half as sick as store bought sherry," Onslow concluded. 

"Thanks a lot Onslow," Jerry groaned as the two women glared at each other again. Daisy hit Onslow on the head. 

"Onslow don't encourage them!" She snapped.

"Can we get back to deciding what play we are actually going to do before you two fight to the death over who's going to get the lead?" Onslow said. "Hey maybe you two can do that one about the Siamese twins? Sideshow. That way you'd both have the title lead!" 

"There is no way I am ever going to share anything with that woman!" Margo snapped.

"Ditto," Hyacinth agreed.

Two hours and two bottles of pea-pod wine later…

"_Wherever we go!" _Margo and Hyacinth sang together. _"Whatever we do we're gonna go through it together!" _

Elizabeth danced with Richard. Emmett danced with Barbara. Daisy danced with Jerry. Onslow looked at them and laughed. Tom danced on a table with a lampshade on his head. 

"I'm glad I'm the only one around here that can hold his drink," He hiccuped. 

_"Together wherever we goooooo!" _Both finished the song to applause.

"Way to go!" Richard whistled.

"Hyacinth," Margo said. "I've been thinking. You are a very dear friend of mine and you should be the lead in the play of whatever we are going to do."

"No, no Margo," Hyacinth shook her head. "If anyone rightfully deserves this honor it should be you."

"No it should be you."

"No it should be you."

"You."

"You."

"You take it I insist!" 

"No you take it! I insist!" 

"Why don't you both take the role?" Daisy waddled up.

"Okay," Margo giggled. "I'll do it even nights and you do odd!"

"I'll take odd and you take even," Hyacinth said. "Okie dokey!" 

"Okay!" Margo smiled and gave Hyacinth a hug. Hyacinth skipped away singing. 

Margo went up to Barbara. "Barbara, guess what?" 

"What?" Barbara asked. 

"Hyacinth and I are both gonna have the lead in the play!" She smiled. "Oh this is going to be such fun!"

"Margo you're soused," Barbara laughed.

"Oh dear," She giggled. "No wonder Hyacinth the Hun and I are getting along. Oh well, any more wine Jerry?"

"I dunno? Here wine? Wine?" He whistled around calling it like it was a lost dog. "Wine! Wine!" 

"Aww," Hyacinth looked out into the yard. "Tom, Barbara your little doggy's gotten out of it's pen and is in the back yard."

"I wonder how she got out," Tom wondered. "I'd better get her."

"No need," Hyacinth stopped him. "I will get her. What are neighbors for? Coooieeee! Doggy! It's Auntie Hyacinth! Here doggy, doggy!" She went outside.

"Tom," Barbara said. "I just thought of something. We don't have a dog."

"Hello little doggy," Hyacinth smiled at the animal as she reached out to pet it.

"BAAAA!" Geraldine chased Hyacinth around the yard. 

A few hours later some of the neighbors heard strange noises. It was a strange sight as the entire Music Society group was doing a conga line down the street. "One two three la Conga! One two three la Conga!" They sang as they danced. 

"You know," Tom laughed. "We may not have produced a play in three months but we sure have a good time!" 


End file.
